Guest post by BiAffect contributor Christina

Up until two years ago, if someone would have asked me to contribute to an open blog about Bipolar Disorder, I probably would have declined. You see, the stigma attached to mental health concerns is real… and by living in my secret identity, I too was perpetuating this stigma. My secret Bipolar I was diagnosed when I was 20; that was over 25 years ago. At first, I did not tell my parents because I did not want anybody to think I was crazy, plus culturally Hispanic, mental health was not openly discussed as problems were only to be shared within close family; it was not the place of strangers. When I opened up to my parents, I do not think they really understood, but I was very sick and they were supportive, although the word “bipolar” was not used by them, until recently.

I would go on to finish my undergraduate degree, followed by graduate school while on medication with regular psychiatric care. I went on to get married and to work 10+ years in a leadership position, that is, until my condition worsened, plagued by various hospitalizations. Eventually, I had to stop working and drop out of a doctoral program I was a year into. It was a hard lesson to learn that I was not my work, and I was not my diagnosis. To cope, I turned to art. I had a collection of paintings and drawings; however, this is when I started to draw what I call my “Brain Art” – this art allowed me to express feelings and turned into a major coping method for me; allowing the chaos of my mind to find its voice.

So, what changed now to reveal my secret identity? It took an open call for art two years ago by the Ryan Licht Sang Bipolar Foundation that asked the question, “What does it feel like to have Bipolar Disorder?” – I felt that I could submit some of my “Brain Art.” I first consulted with my mom, wondering if my parents would be ok if I submitted my art to this competition. Truth is, my parents had not seen my years of “Brain Art” – my doctors and some peers had seen it before – mom said she way ok with it; however, she told me to get ready to out myself as publicly having Bipolar Disorder. I decided to take a chance and submit my work; it turned out to be one of 20 pieces chosen to be shown in Chicago and Palm Beach that year – it really felt good and I came to realize that it was time to come out of the Bipolar Closet. This past year the Foundation hosted a retrospective show, selecting 20 artists from the last few years of these events and my work was chosen once again.

It was this past October 2024 at the retrospective in Chicago that I met Dr. Alex Leow and subsequently learned of the BiAffect project. I downloaded the BiAffect3 app to my iPhone and began to wander around, curious to see how it works. I thought her area of research and expertise to be really impressive and interesting because the truth is, sometimes I do not know where my mood is headed; however, in a more primitive way, this is usually when I head to a box full of paper cuttings and make collages. My hands and mind guide me and the messages can be very telling of what I may or may not realize. But truth be told, sometimes I am not up to it. Now with the BiAffect3 app, I check in at least twice a day (sometimes more) answering simple questions relevant to my moods as well as “playing” two games tracking speed and accuracy. Along with the app, I am using the BiAffect3 keyboard for everything I write on my iPhone keyboard. Prior to using this app, I have always been a bit of a techie. I have spent plenty of time looking through other mood tracker apps, and they have not been fulfilling and do not track these mood changes in a very comprehensive manner; BiAffect3 knows Bipolar.
 
When I joined the BiAffect3 app study, I shared it with my professionals – psychiatrist and psychologist. They too quickly found its value and asked about the graphs in subsequent visits. I usually see each doctor every two weeks and am treated with ECT every two weeks for now. In the life of Bipolar 1 – at least me personally – it can be hard to remember the last weeks’ moods or happenings of daily life, especially because I can be a rapid cycler. As I plot more data in the app I am starting to see a bigger picture. Included in the app, the “Learn” tab is informative and a good starting point for anyone to bring questions to their doctors. Now using the app, I am privy to more information about myself that can help not only my doctors, it can help me directly; allowing me to take charge and be more self-sufficient.
 
Christina D. Encinosa